Just For Laughs – Cinematic Slant

the academy goes full batman

Ready. For. Anything.

The head of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science has said the group will be ready for anything out of the ordinary at this year’s Oscars ceremony. The prep work comes a year after Will Smith slapped Chris Rock on stage in response to Rock’s performance in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back comments about Jada Pinkett Smith.

Putting aside the fact that you can’t be “prepared for anything we can’t anticipate” since you can only prepare for the things you *can* and *have* anticipated, that we’re still talking about this incident seems like the most clear indication we’re living in the dumbest timeline.

But it does have me wondering what kind of scenarios the producers of the broadcast might be preparing for with their crisis intervention team. Here’s an incomplete list:

Austin Butler is still using his Elvis accent and needs to be muzzled like Tom Hardy in The Dark Knight Rises
Pauly Shore rushes the stage and starts trying to weeze the juice with Brendan Fraser

Of course those are just the potential incidents that occur to me. But the idea that AMPAS has a team of professionals ready to descend on the stage to break up a fist fight between Colin Farrell and Judd Hirsch when one tries to steal the other’s Milk Duds like the S.W.A.T. team raiding the Griswold’s house at the end of Christmas Vacation is just incredibly amusing.

It’s also more than a little depressing. At this point everyone in Hollywood has been asked for their opinions on the slap incident, all parties involved have addressed it ad nauseum and yet this is what the trade group has decided is the most important thing to focus on and prepare for like they’re a grade school principal monitoring the playground during recess.

life lessons from: johnny dangerously

If you grew up in the 1980s and had access to the premium movie channels of the era then odds are good you watched Johnny Dangerously at least once or, in my case, several dozen times. Directed by Amy Heckerling, the movie stars Michael Keaton in one of the all-time great comedic roles of Johnny Kelly, a tough kid in early 20th century New York who turns to a life of crime because it’s the only way to pay for the never ending stream of surgeries his poor ailing mother (played by Maureen Stapleton) needs and to help put his kid brother (played as an adult by Griffin Dunne) through school.

With a script that is sometimes straight comedy and sometimes Naked Gun!-level, the movie has a handful of important insights that can help you navigate some of life’s trickier moments.

For when you need to speak up and advocate for yourself and your own best interests in the face of clearly toxic behavior.

You shouldn’t hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!

For when you need to make sure you have clear lines between your work and personal lives because that’s best for everyone, especially yourself.

Around here you’re Johnny Kelly, a law-abiding night club owner, not the notorious gangster Johnny Dangerously.

For when you want your LinkedIn bio to really stand out and catch the attention of anyone looking to fill a job opening.

I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people’s cars. These are a few of my favorite things.

For when that office Secret Santa gift is just mind-boggling but you want to put on a thankful front because it’s less awkward.

Bless the saints, it’s an ashtray! I’ve been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!

For when you want to say something nice even when another person is being just a tad ungrateful for everything you’ve already done for them.

Hey Pope, why don’t you go build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.

For when you’re mildly inconvenienced in the slightest manner but are just in a mood where you can’t let it pass uncommented upon.

You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes… like yourselves.

life lessons from: a muppet christmas carol

Rizzo et al have some important things to teach us…

As we get deeper into the holiday season with each passing day the urge to watch various Christmas and other holiday films grows stronger. Whether it’s an acknowledged classic like A Christmas Story, something more recent like Love Hard or whatever else helps get you in the spirit these movies often contain some important moral lessons for the audience to latch onto and grow as a result of. That might be something as simple as “moving back to your hometown at the first sign of professional setback is the best way to find unexpected romance” or a bit more complex.

One seasonal favorite that has a fair amount of life lessons is A Muppet Christmas Carol, which celebrates its 30th anniversary this year. Directed by Brian Henson, it was the first movie released after the death of creator and performer Jim Henson. Michael Caine stars as Ebenezer Scrooge and is narrated/hosted by Gonzo as Charles Dickens himself with Rizzo the Rat as his foil, the pair providing many of the movie’s greatest moments and most important life lessons all of us can use.

There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.

For when someone asks you to make a prediction based on like one example and that’s not even completely applicable and why am I the one who has to go out on this limb?

It’s good to be heckling again.

For when you finally get in the car after what seemed like an eight hour visit with family that you realize was only about 90 minutes and you have to talk through your feelings because you have a lot of them.

https://giphy.com/explore/the-muppet-christmas-carol

And I am here for the food.

For the beginning of the above-mentioned family visit.

Even the vegetables don’t like him!

For when you’re reviewing your Christmas card list and come across that one person you know who I’m talking about it’s not that he’s a bad person necessarily but certainly isn’t someone who want to establish any sort of emotional precedent with.

Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat!

For literally any situation where something goes even slightly sideways or wrong it doesn’t matter you can use this all year at any time and everyone will get it.

cocaine bear vs. [fill in the blank]

Who can save us from Cocaine Bear? The world needs these two Ursidae-conquering heroes to put aside the rivalry that split them apart years ago and save us all from doom.

Seems Legit Get Out GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

it’s Tuesday

Things have been busy. Haven’t had a lot of time for writing. More to come, though, so in the meantime I leave you with this.

life lessons from: the batman movies

Always pack your Bat Shark Repellant

With The Batman – directed by Matt Reeves and starring Robert Pattinson as Bruce Wayne/Batman – coming out this week, it’s as good a time as any to consider how much great advice for living a great life can be found in the various other big-screen Batman adventures.

“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”

For when you remind everyone in the office that your lunch has your name on it so they need to stop taking it.

“I’m not wearing hockey pads.”

For when you show up to help a friend move and everyone starts giving you a hard time because they don’t think you have the right equipment and aren’t dressed properly.

“I’m not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.”

For when you need a new, more engaging LinkedIn bio.

“Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let’s get nuts.”

For when you’re meeting your partner’s parents for the first time and there’s even the slightest lull in the conversation.

“Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.”

For when…well…you’ll know when.

“Still… could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.”

For when you walk out of a pitch meeting that you just know in your gut did not go well.

“It’s vichyssoise. It’s supposed to be cold.”

For when you’re explaining the simplest of ideas to someone who clearly isn’t getting it.

“What is the point of all those push-ups if you can’t even lift a bloody log?”

For when you’ve been waiting for a return phone call for like two weeks and they finally get back to you.

“I only work in black…and sometimes very very dark gray.”

For when anyone questions why you wear the same basic outfit each day.

“Tell me. Do you bleed?”

For when you start a new job and are being introduced to your coworkers for the first time.

life lessons from the movies: raiders of the lost ark (40th anniversary)

He’s not the man we knew years ago…

That Raiders of the Lost Ark turns 40 this week feels, as an increasing number of such milestones does recently, like a personal attack. It seems impossible that 40 years have passed since I sat in my grandparents’ basement watching Siskey & Ebert review the movie before going to see it myself a few months later when it came to the local second-run theater.

The anniversary has brought with a number of remembrances and retrospectives, chief among them a very good interview with Karen Allen where she not only talks about the movie, its characters and its legacy but also the personal impact the success of the film had on her mental and emotional health.

Among the many aspects of the film that have made it an enduring classic (it’s perfectly structured to be divided into chapters mirroring the film serials that inspired George Lucas), Lawrence Kasden’s script — elevated by Harrison Ford’s desert dry delivery and great performances from Allen and others — contains a good number of important life lessons we could all benefit from remember.

It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage.

For when your body reminds you you’re a good 10 years older than your brain insists you are and a good 20 years older than how you behave in any public setting, including social media.

I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go.

For when your boss asks how that content strategy presentation is coming along.

Asps… very dangerous. You go first.

For when pandemic-related closures are coming to an end but it’s been a solid 18 months since you last interacted with anyone outside your immediate family.

You can’t do this to me, I’m an AMERICAN.

For when the barista gets your latte wrong.

Whiskey…

For when you’re asking anyone for literally anything.

Let us hurry. There is nothing to fear here.

For when you throw caution to the wind and decide you’re totally capable of walking from your New York hotel room to the event location without Google Maps.

I take it, I bury it in the sand for a thousand years, it becomes priceless…

For when you’re justifying keeping a childhood memento everyone else thinks is ugly or weird on display in the living room.

I’m your goddamn partner!

For when the wedding is just days away but you haven’t even started writing your vows.

Uh… there’s a picture of it right here.

For when you insist on showing someone a picture on your camera and you think it’s in one folder but wait it’s not there did I delete it last time I synced my phone with the hard drive but I swear I was looking at it just the other day hold on I’ll find it.

They’re digging in the wrong place!

For when one half of your group leaves early to get there and get things set up but are nowhere to be found when you get to the destination an hour after they should have been there and no one is answering your texts.

Life Lessons From: Defending Your Life

Long coma, Art. Long coma.

To refer to Defending Your Life as one of my favorite movies of all time would be an understatement. Albert Brooks’ script about a man who, after he dies in a car accident, finds himself in a bureaucratic afterlife waystation where he needs to justify his existence to determine if his spirit can “go forward” is as lean and airtight as they come. It ranks right below Much Ado About Nothing as a pure example of how dialogue and character development can move a story forward in lieu of big flashy set pieces or artificial “moments.”

The movie, much to my chagrin, turned 30 earlier this month, prompting retrospectives including this interview with Brooks on how the project developed and how a friendship with Carrie Fisher led to Meryl Streep being cast. If you haven’t seen it or just feel like it’s a good time to rewatch the film (it’s never *not* a good time, btw), it’s currently streaming on HBO Max.

In the meantime, from a script that contains more dryly funny bon mots per pound than nearly any other, here are a handful of quotes you can use in a variety of life situations and circumstances.

(Find more Life Lessons From the Movies here.)

When you use more than 5 percent of your brain, you don’t want to be on earth; believe me.

For when you need to exit a situation – party, job etc – in a hurry but want to leave everyone slightly confused until you have made a clean getaway.

It’s not a car, it’s a battering ram. This is what Patton drove.

For when you request a compact sedan from the car rental place at the airport and they give you keys to a van that could seat 15.

Don’t worry, and don’t kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come.

For when you realize the half-price Blizzard sale at Dairy Queen ended two days ago but only after you drove there already and ordered one.

Y’know if you really wanna make this place feel like Earth, you should open a few of those mini-malls.

For when you’re sitting in the backyard and really want frozen yogurt but can’t muster the energy to stand upright much less actually go anywhere.

Even though this feels like a trial, it really isn’t. It’s just a process that helps us decide, and as imperfect as it may be, we think it works quite well.

For performance reviews, relationship talks or literally any call with your parents.

Welcome to the Past Lives Pavilion.

For when you make the mistake of looking back at stuff you wrote 10 years ago.

I’m fine.

For when you are absolutely, definitively, unmistakably not fine.

Life Lessons From: National Lampoon’s European Vacation

We’ll be pigs!

It’s not likely many people would call National Lampoon’s European Vacation the best of the Vacation series. Despite solid directing by Amy Heckerling and an all-time great recurring cameo from Eric Idle, the movie was too high concept, trying to horn in a subplot involving international money laundering or something on the story of the Griswalds taking a family vacation around Europe.

Despite this, the movie does have some important life lessons to impart. So, inspired by an HBO Max compilation of travel tips from the film, here are a few of those lessons.

Hey look kids, there’s Big Ben, and there’s Parliament… again.

For when you keep asking your coworker for clarification but keep getting the same extremely unhelpful response.

Those bells haven’t rung in years.

For when there’s no way you can explain what’s about to happen but know it’s going to be bad.

Rusty, you don’t want to look like a rooster do you?

For when you are just incredibly confident in how you present yourself to the world and want others to feel likewise.

Clark, why don’t we just forget the “Pig-in-a-Poke” itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people?

For when you can no longer manage to operate within the confines of so-called “society” and must break free from all the constraints imposed on you at all costs.

Life Lessons From the Movies: Waiting For Guffman

It’s always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain with these important life lessons.

Christopher Guest’s Best In Show has been widely discussed this year, the 20th anniversary of its release. Widely regarded as the best of Guest’s faux-documentaries, BiS is indeed a marvel, featuring some of the finest performances that manage to be both absolutely absurd and also completely grounded.

But if you’re looking for a movie that offers a ton of guidance for how to live your best life and interact with the world around you, Waiting For Guffman is the one to turn to. Released in 1996, this was Guest returning to the format he and Rob Reiner, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer pioneered over a decade prior with This is Spinal Tap. Guffman also introduced us to the cast that would form a kind of troupe, various subsets of which would subsequently return for BiS, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration and most recently Mascots.

Here are just a few of the nuggets from the movie that will definitely help you navigate some of life’s more difficult moments.

For When Your Coworker Declines The Third Proposed Calendar Invite In A Row

And I’ll tell you why I can’t put up with you people, because you’re bastard people. That’s what you are, you’re just bastard people and I’m going home and I’m gonna… I’m gonna bite my pillow is what I’m gonna do!

For When You Finally Get Around to Stating Your Thesis In the Fifth Graf Of Your Post

I dream of Genie with the light brown hair. Floating like a vapor on the soft summer air. LOOK OUT!

For When You Tell Your Boss You Have Lots of Options and Don’t Need to Take This

I’ll always have a place at the Dairy Queen.

For When It’s Finally Time to Present That Big Proposal You’ve Been Working On

It’s opening night, y’all.

For That Moment When Things Are Just About to Get Out of Hand

We need to hitch up our panties and RUN.

For When You’re Filling Out That Self-Assessment

I do indeed have talent.